Finding Myself

So here I am… emotionally lost and I feel like my heart and mind are just spinning out of control. I feel like I need to re-find who I and at the same time I think I know. I seam to be in a pointless race with myself to find happiness, a race I am loosing.

I guess at some point I have come to relies that with so many years with the same person I know she was there to talk to, or to look at and even to brush up on in passing in the hallway or roiling over in bed. But now that it’s gone, it is a feeling that one does not want to let go of.

The truth is I know who I am… 100%… I am a loving, and giving person with so much I want to share. I am hard working and honest and find that I am happy with the little moments life gives us. I know I am not perfect and I have a lot of my own flaws. Some I am working on and some just make me who I am.

So it is not so much that I am lost and need to be found. But more to the fact that I am just misplaced. At the moment I just do not fit anywhere and what I really need to do is become comfortable being me…. Just ME! With or without anyone else.

Loving and loosing

So this is not the best title for the holidays but there are just too many things that are on my mind… For those of you that know me you know how my life has been changed over the past year or so. The day before Thanksgiving I lost my stepfather. He fought stomach cancer for over a year before finding his eternal piece. So I guess it pretty obvious that we saw it coming but it never makes it easy to lose a loved one. And to have it happen this time of year will create a scar that will take time to fade.

He will be missed by so may that there are really no words that can be said or written. 17 years ago when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer he said he would beat it. He did. Now he is an example to us all. Be strong and live for the day.

It does not ever seem to get any easier as we get older. I think back to when I was a child and remember when the most frivolous things became such a burden to my mind. The littlest things would just end my world. Now as I learn form life’s challenges I realize that I do not have any of the answers. I can not fix the world…. Hmmmmm… I am not perfect.

I guess what it is about is noting more then being who I am… Nothing more and nothing less. Living each day for what it is and taking the good and bad.

I have lost so many people I cared about in such a short time. Not just through death but in other ways. I do not want you to think I am making it about me because it is not. These are the tings that define me and make me who I am.

So the holidays this year will be a bit loanlier and I am sure in some ways emotional. Make sure your loved one’s know they are loved.